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A refreshingly real Christmas newsletter (from Dallas Morning News: Nov, 2015)

In May, my memoir, Another Cheesy Family Newsletter, was released - a compilation of twenty years worth of my annual family holiday newsletters, juxtaposed against what REALLY happened each year. I love holiday newsletters, but every once in awhile, I wish they were honest, instead of only emphasizing the exciting vacations, weddings, graduations, new homes, accomplishments of the children, etc. etc. etc. What if the holiday letter writer got real?

I think it might be more refreshing to receive a holiday newsletter similar to this one:

Dear Family and Friends –

Once again it’s that time of year when the holiday festivities wind down and we are greeted by a new year full of promise. 2015 has certainly been eventful for the Whizzle family!

Our family continues to grow as we welcome our handsome new son-in-law, Horst. Yes, our bright and beautiful eldest daughter, Apple, has finally had the wedding of her dreams. She and Horst had been engaged for 15 years, so it was quite the celebration when he was finally let out on parole in June. It was a storybook wedding, except for that ankle bracelet thingy Horst was wearing. It kept beeping and interrupting the vows. I guess the battery was dying. Anyway, they are living with us until they can get their feet on the ground.

As for our other children, we’re so proud to announce that our brilliant son, Gregor, finally graduated from college this year with a degree in Viticulture. Naturally, he’ll be living here for a few years since he has $80,000 in college loans to pay off, which may take a while since he’s currently working minimum wage.

Of course the year hasn’t been all sunshine and lollipops for our kids. Sadly, our sweet and sensitive eldest son, Serge, had to move back home with his two kids since his wife ran off with her old high school boyfriend after their high school reunion. I always knew that woman was no good! And our precious baby, Maxim, regretfully had to quit high school this year when he lost his battle with Chronic Inertia. We’re hoping his gaming therapy will lift his spirits soon.

On a happier note, Ed has finally decided to retire in March after 45 years with Crankshank Industries. We thought it was never going to be possible after we lost our nest egg in that ponzi scheme Horst got us involved in a few years back, but unbeknownst to Ed, I had been squirreling away a few dollars here and there from my little business selling overpriced costume jewelry. When we found out it was so much cheaper to live in Mexico, we got a reverse mortgage and bought a little place in San Miguel de Allende. We’ll be moving to a cozy one bedroom hacienda the day after Ed retires. We’ll send you our new address soon, but please don’t share it with the bank or the kids. They think we’re going on a cruise.

Feliz Navidad and Feliz Ano Nuevo… Ed and Francine Whizzle.

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